Domestic abuse: can ‘Drive’ change perpetrator behaviour?

imagesHere at The Terrace we have a focus on couples work, and were interested to hear reports yesterday that some men, deemed to pose a high risk of domestic violence, will be given therapy on a one to one basis in order to address their abusive behaviour. Called ‘Drive’, the initiative is currently restricted to three pilot areas – Essex, Sussex and South Wales – but if successful it will be rolled out across the country. It is estimated that 900 of the most ‘dangerous’ offenders (those deemed at risk of causing serious bodily harm, or committing murder) will be asked to take part in the scheme over the next three years.

At the moment, perpetrators are asked to take part in group work or family therapy. In the new scheme, they will be given bespoke one-to-one sessions, given support to tackle any alcohol, drug or mental health problems they experience and offered advice on employment, housing and parenting issues. If they refuse to take part they will be ‘closely monitored’ by police and any necessary legal steps take to prevent further offending behaviours.

It has been acknowledged that the most serious perpetrators need to be targeted to ensure they do not go from victim to victim without changing their behaviour. Domestic abuse charities Respect and SafeLives are supporting the initiative, whilst the charity Refuge has doubts, considering there to be no evidence that this type of therapy has any effect.

On the BBC website Sandra Horley, chief executive of Refuge, is quoted as saying:

“On the face of it, it seems like a worthy thing to do. In an ideal world we would approach this from both sides. But we don’t live in an ideal world…..We live in a world where thousands and thousands of women and children are being terrorised and brutalised in their homes and they have nowhere to go. And sadly, finding a refuge space in this country is like finding gold dust.”

Her counterpart at SafeLives, Diana Barran, disagrees:

“Despite significant improvements for victim safety in the UK there are still 100,000 women who live with high-risk domestic abuse at any one time……If you do not hold perpetrators to account, we will continue to see the statistics at a standstill.

“Focusing on crisis management is of course vital but we want to help victims today and reduce the number of victims of tomorrow – and we can only do this by getting to the root and the cause of the problem – the perpetrator.”

Critics expressed concern that the most dangerous offenders are often the most manipulative, and will be able to convince professionals they are changing whilst continuing the abuse behind the closed doors of their homes, or will wait till they are deemed ‘safe’ and move on to another victim.

The issue of domestic abuse is one that we will follow closely here at The Terrace. It does not only affect adult relationships, but the future life hopes of any children of the relationship too, many of whom suffer lifelong trauma and are vulnerable to repeat behaviours.We would be interested to hear your views.

If you or anyone you know needs more information or support, the following links will take you through to people who can help.

Respect

Refuge

SafeLives

For BBC Report see http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-35591041

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More tips to help survive Christmas!

imagesWell, we say ‘survive’ but really it is all a matter of planning, arranging and agreeing to a festive season that suits your needs whilst supporting other family members and friends who might also find Christmas a difficult time.

December, for example, is a month in which many relationships struggle as the stress of organising who goes where when and with what becomes simply overwhelming. Jane Gotto here at The Terrace has always worked to pull together all the best Christmas tips that she has used over many years of working in relationship and couples counselling and today we wanted to share a few more, as we approach the last week before the ‘big day’.

Today we want you look at whether you are a classic Christmas ‘grump’ ‘Grinch’ or Ebeneezer Scrooge. 

Is there  a reason (either in the recent past  or back in your family history) why Christmas lowers your mood. Were you ‘made’ to feel the Christmas Spirit, or forced to continue in a particular ritual without enjoying it?  Or was there an event which still evokes difficult memories? These are all ‘Christmas Spirit killers’ and understandably so.
You might want to create your own ritual – one that is personal and authentic and connects you to who you actually are, rather than joining the Christmas mad rush.

Pay particular attention to what is important to you; you may want to see special friend(s) or spend time with one member of your family rather than all of them.

Think about planning and preparing a meal you enjoy, or creating your own spiritual practice – meditation or quiet time can be important as a hectic day threatens to overwhelm. There is nothing wrong with taking time to read a book or watch a film that interests you or simply spending time alone.

Remember, getting it right for you often gets it right for others too.

Do you have any Christmas tips you can share with us here at The Terrace? We would love to hear from you.

Building a relationship with reading….

downloadThe title of this post really has a double meaning and is inspired by the radio show Talking Books on 10Radio in Somerset. The guests today were in the relatively early stage of their relationship – newly engaged and very much in love. Clearly, they were not in need of our couples counselling, or Shaping Anger for Couples workshops but it was refreshing to hear that they were cementing their bond in a thoughtful and intelligent way. They had set themselves a challenge, a brave one, and it was something we thought you, our followers, might be interested in as a way to share ideas and subjects that are important to you with someone close.

Each person in relationship chooses five books for the other to read. It is as simple as that. Any genre, for any age. Yet it is so much more complex in reality. By choosing those books you are making a number of decisions and taking interesting aspects of your personality and relationships into account. Do you pick books you think will make you look clever? Or do you choose books that you grew up with and which remind you of key times in your life? Do you look over your shelves for books you think the other will enjoy? Or are you trying to trip them up? Are you being honest and authentic in your choices?

When you consider these points you can see it is not quite as easy as it first seems. How will each of you respond to the other’s list? What if a book that is your favourite is loathed by the other? Are you prepared to defend your choices in a constructive way? Or do you fear an argument? Have we put you off even considering this as a way to bring you together and offer opportunities for fascinating conversations?

We have, on this blog, often highlighted reading as a way to relax and to take you out of a stressful day. We have a page on the Local Bookshops site (see the link to the right) with a list of our favourite titles (we are always looking for suggestions) and our poetry for mindfulness posts are very popular. But we thought this was an additional way to make reading part of your whole life and at the same time learning a little more about someone you are close to. It doesn’t have to be a life partner – it could be a friend or work colleague for example. But we think it is a really interesting way to take you out of the routine of the day and into a conversation with a difference.

In fact, you could do it with music, or films. It will get you talking, and relationships are best nurtured by finding ways to communicate and make sure you are really understood and known by people who are important to you.

What do you think?

More mindfulness practice: Jumping in puddles – cultivating a ‘beginner’s mind’

imagesMany of you will have read our mindfulness posts in the past, perhaps learning some tips to try, or some poetry to focus on as you work to stay in the present moment. It isn’t always easy to make the necessary space and time in our busy lives, but the medical profession has at last recognised that for many, the ever-increasing pace of 21st century life is impossible to maintain.

Our own Miranda Bevis, an expert mindfulness practitioner, runs regular workshops and courses to support anyone wanting to learn mindfulness techniques. She has also written widely on the subject, and she has shared the following piece with us. I found it deeply moving, remembering watching my own children experience the joy of something simple for the first time, and wanting to enjoy that feeling over and over again. As adults, Miranda points out, we rarely do this and. perhaps, need to get in touch with our inner child just a little more often……

When my kids were little, they were drawn, like magnets, to puddles. Many a walk ground to a halt as a puddle had to be inspected. Stood in. Jumped up and down in. Delighted in. But not just one puddle. Every single one they came across. Oblivious of cold and wind, for them, each puddle was a fresh and new excitement, and needed to be explored and reveled in.

At first I could delight in their happiness, their squeals of joy. But inevitably, my mind would stray and become bored. How many times do we have to do this? We’ve got to get on, let’s find some thing new. I’m afraid there were times when I gritted my teeth in frustration,

Small children are very good at being present. They can easily find magic in the mundane, and become completely absorbed in each moment. As we grow up, we tend to lose this. It’s easy to become bored and cynical. “Seen one, seen them all”. We want to move on and find new distractions. So, as I sit now, looking at my rain washed spring garden, at first sight, I am aware it’s beautiful. Of course it doesn’t change, after one minute, five minutes, ten minutes. But what can change is the way I perceive it. I might only appreciate the beauty for an instant, before I get used to it, and become distracted. Instead of staying with the experience of my senses, thoughts to crowd in. Of things that need doing, of plans for the garden. And masses of non-garden related thoughts. The garden, and it’s beauty “disappear” from my awareness.

What we aim to do in mindfulness, is to cultivate something called a “beginner’s mind”. That means learning to see things as if this was the first time we’d ever noticed them. You can practice it on anything; perhaps try with a flower. As best you can, let go of thoughts about the flower, and keep on coming back, over and over, to the experience of your eyes. Let go of any thoughts about being bored and wanting to move on to something else. Rather, keep on “refreshing the screen”… this flower, and this flower, and this flower, so that, in each instant there is a new and wonderful flower in front of you. Or go and splash in puddles if you must!

Miranda Bevis - 226x316 (1 of 1)Dr Miranda Bevis’s original training was in medicine, and she worked as a GP in Somerset, with a special interest in psychological problems. She gained a diploma in Psychodynamic Counselling, and now works as a senior counsellor and EMDR practitioner at the Somerset Counselling Centre in Taunton. She is also a British Wheel of Yoga teacher.

 

‘Re-charging’ the Christmas ritual….

images (3)As the days of December rush past, leaving us little time to pack in all the annual rituals – present buying, writing and sending cards, attending the work Christmas ‘do’- as well as trying to keep the non-Christmas side of our lives under control, it is all too easy to succumb to a bug, or feel oneself become overwhelmed with the stress and anxiety of it all. Here at The Terrace we like to gather together some tips to help survive the second half of December and on into the new year.

For many of us the rituals are all part of the season and fill us with a sense of nostalgia. For others, the rituals seem stale, lowering and unnecessary, washed away in a sea of consumer madness, bright lights and bad tempers. Money is tight, the shops are filled with things we can’t afford and don’t need. It can be difficult to cope.

If you fall into the latter category – or if Christmas holds darker memories and is a time when you battle depression-  rather than avoiding it altogether, you might want to create your own ritual, one that is personal and connects you to who you are rather than joining the ‘Christmas Mad Rush’. So why not consider the following:

  • Pay particular attention to what is important to you; seeing special friend(s) or spending time with one or two members of your family rather than all of them.
  • Prepare a meal you enjoy, rather than feeling obliged to have turkey with all the trimmings, or create your own spiritual practise – meditation and or quiet time.
  • Take time to read a book, or watch a film that interests you.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be pulled into an arrangement which you know is not going to work for you. If you cannot say ‘No’ outright, say you would like some time to think about it and let the other party know a time when you will get back to them.
  • Never feel guilty about saying you need to spend time alone if that is what you really want.
  • Try to build an understanding of what is important and getting it right for you. When a ritual has become dead for one person it normally has for others too – naming it can be a relief and stimulate new ideas. You might be concerned about upsetting other people’s routine – but they may just be waiting for someone to take that step for them!

In getting the festive season right for you, it often gets it right for others too.

Shell Shocked Britain – The First World War & inter-generational trauma

Shell Shocked jacket high res jpegAs we approach the first Remembrance or Armistice Day commemorations of the First World War centenary  it is appropriate to be mindful of what exactly we are marking on Sunday, and on the 11th of November 2014. Yes, we are offering up our thanks to those who gave their lives in the Great War and subsequent conflicts, but we must also remember those who survived, lived, and are living with the aftermath of the war.

In Shell Shocked Britain: The First World War’s legacy for Britain’s mental health, Suzie Grogan looks at the impact of the First World War on the men, women and children who survived it. How did those four years of conflict affect the way we view the mental health of those traumatised by their experience of war, whether directly or indirectly?

Dr Peter Heinl, in Splintered Innocence and others have long studied how ‘neuroses’ can be transmitted from parent to child, replicating traits down the generations.  It has not been easy, as data is limited and follow-on studies of those diagnosed with shell shock or what we would now refer to as ‘combat stress’  is very limited, or non-existent.  Work with Holocaust survivors, however, has offered greater consistency in the results of studies into the intergenerational effects of parents’ traumas. Published work has suggested greater vulnerabilities to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in second and third generation survivors. Responses to a traumatic event – whether in conflict situations or a personal trauma such as bereavement or serious illness can be more marked in the children of traumatised parents.

Arthur Addison, shell shocked soldier

Arthur Addison, shell shocked soldier

Suzie Grogan was inspired to write this book when she discovered that her shell shocked great-uncle Alfred Hardiman had killed his ex-girlfriend and himself in 1922. His act sent shock waves through his community and through the generations of his own family, but it was not an isolated case. She discovered that her grandfather had also suffered from shell shock, along with tens of thousands of other men who fought in the First World War. Identifying other members of her family who had subsequently experienced mental health issues, and acknowledging her own periods of depression and acute anxiety,  Grogan was keen to examine how the events of 1914-18 continue to resonate with us 100 years on and in doing so she uncovered new material to chart the many tragedies with their roots in the conflict.

Shell Shocked Britain looks at:

  • the direct effects of shell shock on the troops and their families,
  • the different medical approaches to ‘cure’ shell shock, including electric shock treatment, hypnotism and the talking therapies, as well as ‘miracle’ cures.
  • The impact of the1922 Committee Report on Shell Shock that was supposed to change the way men were treated in future conflicts.
  • the devastating air raids that brought the war, literally, into the domestic lives of the Home Front, killing civilians as they stood in the streets and wrecking the Upper North St school in Poplar, East London, killing 18 children.
  • The lingering after –effects of the Spanish influenza virus and the horrors of an outbreak that killed 200,000 in Britain alone as war continued to rage.
  • why thousands turned to séances and spiritualist church and how the rise of the Eugenics Society had direct links to the conflict, with leading thinkers supporting unthinkable responses.
  • how tragedies such as that perpetrated by Alfred Hardiman and suicides in general increased even into the 1930s.
  • the legacy of shell shock and lessons for future conflicts – 1914 to 2014

In the book Suzie Grogan asks tough questions of her 21st Century audience. We are told not to attribute modern views on historical events, but, she maintains, these are our close kin – parents, grandparents and great grandparents. For hundreds of thousands of people the trauma of the Great War never left them, and in the modern army highly trained men and women still break down, coming back to a civilian life for which they are ill-prepared.

To ensure children are protected from the higher levels of family breakdown, substance misuse, domestic violence and homelessness  that affect troops now as they did 100 years ago, it is important, as this book highlights, to use the next four years of commemorative events to remember those who continue to struggle with the fallout of war, and support them.

Suzie Grogan is talking at the Taunton Literary Festival on 11th November 2014 and for Taunton Association for Psychotherapy on the 14th November . See suziegrogan.co.uk for more details

Philotimo – ‘let’s talk!’ about a Greek word for our times…

thalesLast week we watched a video that really spoke to us here at The Terrace. Released by the Washington OxiDay Foundation it takes just 15 minutes to explain the Greek concept of Philotimo – something considered to be the highest of all Greek virtues and which determines and regulates how someone should behave in their family and social groups. It is a word that Greek children are still brought up to understand and an idea that they are taught to respect and use as a guide when making choices in their lives.

It is difficult to translate literally, but the very famous faces in the video describe how for the Greek people it means, broadly, ‘friend and honour’. It means duty, compassion, sacrifice. Doing what is right, even if it not in your own best interests. It means something larger than yourself and is about opening your heart and doing things for the good of your community. It has been credited with some of the greatest advances in culture, but with no direct English word to encapsulate its meaning the sens of the word has been lost to all but Greek speakers.

Here at The Terrace we would like to find a way to support what the Foundation seeks to achieve with this video. At a time when we seem to see nothing but horror and injustice in the world, this is a message to take forward to show how humanity can come together for the greater good. Do take a look and let us know how you feel when you have heard what everyone on this film has to say about ‘philotimo’. Since ancient times the Greeks have always been a very special people and despite recent economic struggles this concept remains a strength as the country rebuilds. Is this the time to learn from Greek philosophy once more?